


You Silly English K-nig-ht

by notoneforreality



Series: QB-B3 007 Fest 2020 [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: 007 Fest, 007 Fest 2020, Bond is not happy with this, Bond likes french food, Butchering French, Food, France (Country), French Food, Gen, Prompt Fill, Q has never heard of punctuation ever in his life, Team Q Branch, Text Format, Texting, Undercover, restaurant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:33:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24840853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notoneforreality/pseuds/notoneforreality
Summary: Bond is looking forward to going undercover in a French restaurant, where he can have exquisite food and good wine. Then he's given his cover - a bumbling British tourist with no ear for an accent or taste for good food - and suddenly he's not quite so happy.At least his cover gives him an excuse for spending the whole meal on his phone.
Series: QB-B3 007 Fest 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795726
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	You Silly English K-nig-ht

**Author's Note:**

> Written for--  
> 2nd July - Food day;  
> This prompt from the 2020 anon list: Bond has to go undercover as a bumbling British tourist in Bourdeaux. That means that even though he speaks French like a native, he now has to use a mangled mixture of English and French with a horrible accent and let the Frenchmen snicker at him while serving him subpar food and wine because they're secure in their knowledge that he doesn't understand them and wouldn't be able to appreciate their true delicacies anyway.

**Bond:** I’m dying

**Bond:** Please bury me with Mansfield

**Bond:** When I die of food poisoning

**Bond:** I’m going to choke on this fish and this accent

**Bond:** Why have you made me do this

**Bond:** Could you not have sent someone who actually doesn’t speak French?

**Q:** youre not dying dont be stupid

**Q:** the whole point is that you do know french so you can hear what theyre saying

**Q:** so stop complaining and pay attention

**Bond:** They’re giving me tourist wine

**Bond:** TOURIST wine

**Bond:** They tried to offer me red wine with fish just because it was more expensive

**Bond:** And the fish tastes suspicious

**Q:** you could say

**Q:** it tastes…

**Bond:** Do not.

**Q:** fishy

**Bond:** Being forced to deal with you is penance for a past life

**Q:** rude

**Q:** go back to eavesdropping on your serveurs

**Bond:** All they’re doing is laughing at me

**Bond:** They’re still talking about how I asked for poison instead of poisson and that was twenty minutes ago

**Q:** i feel like in this line of work that could have been risky

**Q:** maybe that’s why your fish tastes suspicious

**Q:** they gave you what you asked for

**Bond:** Hang on they just mentioned something about Guillot

**Bond:** I’m going to film the interior of the restaurant like a tourist who thinks this is great architecture

**Q:** you are a tourist who thinks this is great architecture

**Q:** mr knight

**Bond:** IMG234.MOV

**Q:** well the plan is working

**Q:** they obviously dont think you can understand a word they say

**Bond:** They’re coming to clear my place hang on

**Q:** hanging on

**Q:** how long does it take to collect some plates and leave?

**Q:** was it actually poison? are you actually dead?

**Bond:** No but this dessert menu might kill me

**Bond:** They have Ben&Jerry’s 

**Q:** ooh excellent go for the caramel sutra thats the best

**Q:** what took so long?

**Bond:** My painstaking attempt to ask for the dessert menu in atrocious French

**Bond:** Why is it so much harder to speak badly than it is to speak well?

**Bond:** My throat feels like sandpaper how much longer do I have to keep up this ridiculous accent?

**Q:** until youve completed your reconnaissance mission

**Q:** look at that for a french word

**Bond:** Guillot just came in

**Bond:** He told the maitre d he had a standing reservation for lunch

**Bond:** But he already knew who he was

**Bond:** Was ushering him to the table in the corner before Guillot even finished speaking

**Bond:** Everything about this mission is a cliché. He’s just sat down in the most shadowed corner of the restaurant, looking out and brooding over the rest of the diners

**Q:** he must have taken tips from you

**Q:** anything interesting said?

**Bond:** He’s meeting someone for a deal. Told the waiter to ask for drinks when his associate arrives and not to bother with food until after the associate has left

**Bond:** Oh good, someone’s coming to take my dessert order

**Bond:** I’ve asked for New York cheesecake I hope you’re happy

**Bond:** I could have had crème brûlée

**Bond:** But I am a simple english tourist with no tastebuds apparently

**Q:** now youre getting into character

**Bond:** As soon as Mr Knight isn’t needed anymore I’m finding the nearest michelin star restaurant and having proper french food

**Bond:** I can’t believe I’m in Paris eating shit fish and plain cheesecake, drinking badly-aged red wine

**Q:** could be worse

**Bond:** How?

**Q:** you could be sat in romford eating shit fish and plain cheesecake, drinking badly-aged red wine

**Bond:** At least Romford has an excuse for its subpar culinary skills

**Bond:** France is supposed to have wonderful food

**Bond:** France HAS wonderful food

**Bond:** I’m just not allowed to eat it because you’ve sent me on a cruel and unusual torture mission

**Bond:** Is this because I didn’t bring my gun back last time?

**Bond:** It is, isn’t it?

**Q:** guns are expensive and so is good food

**Q:** your food budget disappeared down that ravine with your firearm

**Q:** terrible shame

**Bond:** No sign yet of Guillot’s associate

**Bond:** But I have just received my dessert

**Bond:** It’s atrocious

**Bond:** Clearly from a bought-in pack, rather than made in-house, and not even any wild berries to go with it

**Bond:** It looks so sad, just a plain white cheesecake sat on a square plate

**Bond:** Because heaven forbid even this excuse for a dessert be presented on a boring, circular plate

**Q:** wow sorry chef ramsey i didnt realise you felt this strongly about food

**Bond:** I lived in upper-class French society from the age of seven to sixteen. I think it would be more odd if I didn’t have opinions on French food

**Bond:** Fuck

**Bond:** Guess who just walked in

**Q:** who?

**Bond:** Mercier

**Q:** no prizes for guessing whom hes here to see

**Bond:** How do you manage to completely eschew any form of punctuation or capitalisation, and yet still correctly use ‘whom’?

**Q:** i lived in a grammar school from the age of eleven to sixteen i think it would be more odd if i didnt use who vs whom correctly

**Bond:** I’m going to try to plant the bug by their table

**Q:** make sure they dont recognise you

**Bond:** No one would recognise me in this cheap suit and awful accent

**Bond:** Okay it’s done, and the waiters think I’m even more stupid that they did before because I asked them ‘Ou est la toilet?’ in my worst accent yet. 

**Bond:** Toilet. Not even toilette.

**Bond:** I can’t decide which is hurting more: the bad food or the bad language

**Q:** fuck shit wanker tits arse cock bollocks 

**Bond:** What on earth are you going on about?

**Q:** you said bad language

**Bond:** Tu es une merde

**Bond:** Anyway, the bug is on Guillot’s collar because I tripped and fell into him on the way to the toilets

**Bond:** Am I permitted to go and get some actual food now?

**Q:** what do you mean actual food was the ny cheesecake made out of styrofoam

**Bond:** Some good food

**Q:** yes. but only after you write your report

**Bond:** Is this text conversation not report enough?

**Q:** moneypenny says no

**Q:** report first restaurant after

**Q:** then if youre good you can shoot guillot for dessert

**Bond:** Not even shooting Guillot will be better than the crème brûlée I’m going to have for my actual dessert

**Q:** report first

**Bond:** Yes, Quartermaster

**Author's Note:**

> Keep notes:  
> \--wait omg I called him mr knight this is great i can use the holy grail quote ((Title comes from this scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OzIMHowtL8 ))  
> \--James is absolutely furious. Q thinks it's hysterical  
> \--Don't be stupid James, dealing with Q is penance for your current life  
> \--Do I know who these bad guys are? No. But do I know what they want? Also no. Quick, end it here before I have to come up with an explanation


End file.
